Brett Ratner's Hercules!
That's what I could have called this, but, sadly, I am unable to. It's clearly what he was going for, but, as his oeuvre, he was unable to pull it off.
I'm breaking my format here, because, in order to address this flick, I need to spoil the hell out of the movie.
If you're planning on seeing it, or don't want spoilers because it might be on Netflix some rainy Sunday afternoon and you've run out of series to bingewatch, Ima give it ** out of ****. That's generous, but there were some moments that made me laugh out loud.
For the rest of you...
I'm sure you've seen other reviews that said the movie was a dirty lie. That all the monster fights are in the first 5 minutes. And, those reviews are correct. Well (Can you read that "Well," in the Tenth Doctor's voice? Because I totally did in my head.), not the part about the movie being a dirty lie. Well (Keep the Tennant up, please (Ladies).), I mean, it IS a lie, in that it's a work of fiction, and, well, perhaps the trailers WERE misleading, a bit. But, that's because they were trying to tell a different Hercules story. And, if they told you that from the outset, WELL, would you have gone?
NOW, the story that they're telling us not the one of Hercules being the son of Zeus (I'm rusty on my mythology (which is what we call religions that aren't practiced anymore), but was Hercules sired while Zeus was a swan or bull? Also, damn. Ancient Greek women be fuh-reeks!).
The story is one that, in theory, is much more interesting. In the right hands. Which these aren't.
Here, Herc is a mercenary. With a team. And a tragic backstory. Yes, he did do the tasks laid before him (slaying the Hydra, killing a big ol' boar, killing a big ol' lion, seducing the hell out of an Amazon), but, his sidekicks did just as much work as he did. The myth is promoted by Herc's nephew, both as a means of securing work and demoralizing the enemy.
This is all very interesting, but it would be even MORE interesting if Hercules didn't actually kick ass physically. Like, if he was big and handsome, but, like, crazy nearsighted with a genius for guerrilla military tactics. But, nope. He's awesome on his own. So, at the end, when Ian McShane tells him to become the truth behind the myth, it's anticlimactic. Of COURSE he can break those chains. He's Hercules.
So, there's one change that needed to happen.
Another is this: You have Ian McShane as a possibly drug-addicted seer. You have John Hurt as an elderly, apparently weak and possibly incompetent king. You, Brett Ratner, don't tell them to chew the absolute HELL out of the scenery? Cripes, man! When you have great actors and let them go to town, you get gold. Kevin Spacey was the absolute best Lex Luthor. Gene Wilder was the best Willy Wonka. I defy you to find a better actor for Wormtongue than Brad Dourif. So what if Dwayne Johnson can't keep up? Know what? I bet he could. He was a professional wrestler. The best rasslers are BRILLIANT scenery gourmands. Can you see Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair or "Macho Man" Randy Savage playing their roles with subtlety? "The Rock" was one of the most popular rasslers in his era. I bet he could hang.
Thirdly, let the characters grow. You're using Greek mythology as a starting point, and the Greeks codified drama. Let's see Hercules be bold in a fight, but timid around other people, becoming who he is meant to be when the chips are down. Let's see John Hurt be conniving and sinister, but only after he thinks he's won. Until then, oh, he's just a frail, old man. It's not that tough.
Fourthly, if you're going to base part of your tale on "The Seven Samurai", spend more time on that part. We need to care about these people, both the heroes and the peasants. You did do a good job with the trap that you sent them into before they were fully trained, but, Hercules and King Hurt (I'm too lazy to look up the character's name) to play that scene with more gravitas. (I'm aware that I'm advocating melodrama and real drama in the same movie, but, I'm certain that I know what I'm taking about.) Don't just throw that scene away. Remember: we need to care about these people.
Also, if you're making a sword-and-sandals flick, for the love of Pete, bust out the big lenses. And use more practical effects.
