Queen of the Damned *
Directed by: Michael Rymer
Written by: Anne Rice (novels), Scott Abbott and Michael Petroni (screenplay)
Starring: Stuart Townsend, Marguerite Moreau, Aaliyah, and Vincent Perez
Rated R (It’s about vampires AND rock and roll.)

“You should see what I didn’t write.” – George Bernard Shaw, responding to a woman who said that his review of a play was too harsh.

According to fans of the Anne Rice Vampire novels, this particular movie was either going to be really good or really bad. No middle ground. I can’t claim to be a fan of Ms. Rice’s books, but I am a fan of movies. This one is bad.

Sometimes, when a book is adapted for a movie, it works, like with Jurassic Park. Other times, it doesn’t, like with Rising Sun. With Queen of the Damned, I suspect that the movie just happens to share the title with a book of the same name. My first clue is this: the movie is based on Rice’s The Vampire Chronicles – a series, rather than on Queen of the Damned, the novel.

You may have seen Interview with the Vampire, which was a good movie. Forget anything about that movie, because it doesn’t apply here.

Here’s my synopsis, so you’ll know what you won’t be missing. Lestat (Townsend) is bored with being a vampire. It’s oh so lonely, you see. And boring. And he’s an extrovert. So, he decides to sleep for a century. All of a sudden he’s awakened by the magical power that is to be found in the current neo-goth-metal movement in Top 40 music. He decides that he wants to be a rock star in a goth band, and sing goth songs for all those kids who dress in black. So, he does. Then, we meet Jesse (Moreau), who is apparently a vampire researcher-in-training. But, see, she was raised by vampires, and then... Probably dropped off at an orphanage. That’s never explained. Jesse thinks that she’s found some sort of Vampire Secrets in The Vampire Lestat’s lyrics. That’s what he calls himself – The Vampire Lestat. It’s also the name of his band. Dude has an ego. Jesse’s mentor, David (Paul McGann) explains that everyone already knew that, and what’s more, he has Lestat’s journal! Lestat was made a vampire by Marius (Perez). Who happened to have the mother of all vampires in his basement. Akasha (Aaliyah), for some reason, is in love with Lestat. But, she’s a statue. Jesse tracks Lestat down in London, stuff happens, Lestat decides that he wants to bring the vampires out of hiding, stuff happens, he has a concert in Death Valley (which would clearly melt any TRUE goths, what with their penchant for wearing black leather and/or latex), Akasha shows up, makes Lestat her king, blah blah blah. It really doesn’t matter, because the movie just isn’t worth your time.

So, was there anything good about the movie? Yeah. The set design. Aaliyah’s costumes. And Stuart Townsend has the androgynous good looks to be a goth rock star. That’s it.

What was bad about the movie? You might want to grab a soda or something. This could take awhile.

First of all, just the acting. Lordy, what a mess that was. EVERYONE speaks with an Eastern European accent. Even though Lestat was French, and Akasha was Egyptian. There’s little-to-no inflection in the lines – it’s not like the actors are just reading the script, it’s more like they’re trying to out Bela Lugosi each other. They’re so impressed with their accents, that they forget to change the pitch of their voices.

Secondly, the lapses in ‘vampire logic’, for lack of a better term. There are certain things that we all know about vampire mythology. In one scene, Akasha tears out the heart of a vampire and eats it. But, the heart is still beating. Vampires do not have a heartbeat. They have no pulse. And, the movie never should have happened in the first place. In the backstory, we see Lestat chained to a bed after drinking the blood of Akasha. He clearly should have died, since vampires need to sleep in a coffin. In yet another scene, Jesse walks, unescorted into a vampire bar. Somehow, she only gets strange glances from the vampires. As we have seen in other vampire movies, vampires have other senses, and can smell blood from a long way off. Jesse should have died before she left. But, she makes it out just fine.

Thirdly, Lestat is not a jerk. Like I said, I’ve not read any of the Chronicles other than Interview, but, from what I understand, Lestat is a colossal jackass. He hates everyone except himself. Yet, we see him having actual feelings for mortals. Ugh.

Fourthly, there was no gay romance. Interview (the movie) was basically an exercise in mainstream homoerotica. Interview (the book) had Lestat and Louis sharing the ‘blood’ of a young man (and if you don’t catch THAT metaphor...). And yet, even though Lestat in Damned was a Bowie-esque androgynous rock star, he only preyed on Backstage Bettys.

Lastly, just because I don’t feel like writing anymore, the special effects just weren’t all that special. The entire special effects budget went to one shot. It’s fairly impressive, but the rest of the effects are just rotten. The makeup was pretty rotten, too.

If you’re a fan of the late Aaliyah, just rent Romeo Must Die. That one has Jet Li in it. You’re guaranteed some great action sequences. If you’re not a fan hers, then, just skip this movie. Please. As for me, I'll take my filmed vampires on Tuesday nights with Joss Whedon as the executive producer.